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fight club

August 2009

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Aug. 10th, 2009

fight club

It's funny

It's funny how I've come so far this year. Funny how I'm still attached in ways, still judging the things around when I'm not paying attention. I suppose I am human, and this would all be a total bore if I was perfect.

Jun. 18th, 2009

fight club

The power of touch

Recently, I was reminded by a friend that I have powerful energy. "Whenever you're in the room, I can just -feel- your energy all around." It meant a lot to me, being I don't hear things like that much. In fact, I don't talk about it much. I don't know how. I don't possess the terminology to express what I want to express. So here is my description, my telling of how I see it. These are my beliefs, and I am open to feedback on any topic.

The world is full of energy. Every living(and non-living) thing has energy: a spirit, soul, or life force. Non-living things have energy as well. Stones, since they're my favorite, give off vibrations and move. Energy is everywhere, and is constantly changing, moving, and in a state of flux.
I can feel energy. I believe everyone can, but I have noticed in my life that I am more open to these energies than people around me. I "tune in" to things that people don't notice. I respond with my own energy. I can feel people, from across the table, across the room, across the city, and sometimes the world. I've feel the force of someone from several feet away, "pushed" on them as they gently push back. I honestly believe I am telekinetic, I just haven't manifested it yet.
More and more I'm feeling more in tune with the world. When I hug someone, I take them in completely. I swim around in their body, playing with the vibrations, kissing their soul. I express myself without words, looking into someones eyes conveying all that I feel in one brief moment. I recognize people like me, without saying anything. I feel them tuning in, and I just know. I used to think I needed to trust my gut; now my gut has a state-of-the-art radar built in. The more I listen, the more I hear.

This is a bit hard to explain on a daily basis, or maybe I'm just looking at it the wrong way. But I need to keep track of this and my progress, because I believe it's only getting stronger every day.

Jun. 15th, 2009

fight club

Wow

Things are really lining up for me lately.

I had a tarot reading from Jesse at Wild Iris bookstore in Gainesville about two months ago. It had to be the best card reading I've ever had. He knew I had an understanding of tarot, and was on point with everything he said. In a nutshell, the reading was about me growing spiritually, and attaining things far bigger than I can imagine right now. Since then, My awareness has been shooting through the roof, and my head feels like it could explode at times(in a good way).

I know we're always changing everyday, but this is big, and I feel like I'm moving to a different level here. Needless to say, I am excited.

Jun. 12th, 2009

fight club

I had a dream last night

...and it was pretty intense. Most of my vivid, colorful dreams leave me dying by the end of them (or the middle) but this one did not. So here it goes...

I'm lying down in the dirt somewhere. People running around me, some yelling, some fighting. I hear footsteps around my head, someone notices I'm alive. I'm grabbed by someone and thrown into a big metal elevator with grated walls and chains everywhere. There are poeple with weapons surrounding me and other captives.

Everyone is dirty. All clothes are worn down and makeshift. The elevator grinds and clangs to the top. Some are whispering, some crying, most are silent. I feel eerie. There's a rumble, and the doors open.

Everyone is pushed out of the elevator. We're like cattle. There are chains pathways, I'm being pushed from behind. "Where am I?" No response. We're entering a room. It looks like a courtroom, only it's round. Everyone is silent. There's a old woman sitting in the center of the room, with a table and an empty chair beside her. One of the captives is forced into the chair. They're whispering briefly, her face is blank. She waves to the guard, they take the captive away. Next one is up. Same deal. This happens a dozen times.

Now my turn. I sit beside her. Her eyes are black. She stares deeply in my eyes. "Where are they?" she demands.
"Where are what? What the hell is going on here?"
"The rocks, dear? You have the rocks don't you?" She's not being aggresive, very unlike the others. She touches my hand and asks again. "The rocks, child, have you brought them back?"

I'm perplexed. I don't know what to say; I feel something in my pocket. A bag? I pull it out. A black velvet bag. I hold it up to her. Her eyes widen, everyone in the room gasps. There are a few older men at the front of the room, they look concerned. I pour the bag onto the table; the bag is full of runes, made of white stones.

As I pour them out, one falls off the table and rolls away. I feel it roll away. I feel the stones resting on the table. I feel everything in the room. More gasps from the room. One of the older men demand we stop. I stand up and reach for the fallen stone. It's on the other side of the room. From there, it slides toward me. The stones on the table start to rattle. I lose control.

The stones scatter all over the place and I lift myself off the ground. I feel my hands pushing on the floor, but they aren't touching anything. I fly through the air and almost hit the ceiling. Swirling and twisting around I lose balance and fall. Just before landing, I catch myself and float safely to the floor. Without touching them, I pick up all the stones at once, hovering them around me, then I set them down in front of the old woman. She looks pleased. I feel other stones now. They're hidden behind the old men in front. I start pulling them out with my mind, the men are furious. They scream for order in the room as commotion erupts; I hover there in the center with stones in orbit.

I wake up.

May. 26th, 2009

fight club

(no subject)

Had the feeling again. That feeling I was never able to explain. So a recap:
When I was very young, I had feelings linked to an early dream. I don't remember the dream, only what it felt like. I recall thinking I felt like I was in a body other than my own, something smaller than myself, making everything around me feel large and pulsate within me. That feeling came back the other night.
While talking to a friend, it started rushing over me in waves. I had never experienced it so intensely, and I was able to really observe what was happenng for me. It was not that I was in another body, I simply was not in my own. The common energy or soul that inhabits my body was expanding beyond my physical self. At least, that's how it felt. My arms felt as if they reached for ten feet; I could not feel my face or my jaw; my stomach was churning; I felt like I was going to faint, yet I was extremely alert. I don't know if this is the out-of-body experience I've read about but I certainly have a better understanding of this thing. I intend on practicing this more, and updating as I go.

May. 6th, 2009

fight club

So...

I start work again today. That should be fun. I've already heard a mouthful about the restaurant, the crew, and everything else from Jimmy. I'm not really looking forward to working a new kitchen. Oh well... Such is life.

On a much different note, she and I have decided to stick it out. I'm already wondering if this is going to crash and burn. Not that I want it to, things are great with us. I suppose I know the reasons I want to be single, and they just don't add up. I know I'd just slut around, meet a handful of girls with no names, only pretty faces.
I suppose trust is the one thing we need more of. But I don't think I'll trust her much more than I do, not until she can trust herself. That's a big one...

May. 3rd, 2009

fight club

to be back...

here in Orange City. God I hope this only lasts a month. So tired of the bullshit already. She's not even gone, but I miss her. This whole thing has been unexpected.

I guess I didn't really take it seriously at first, I didn't think it'd be anything more than a physical thing. It wasn't until Jimmy and I decided on moving to Orlando that I really started to care. I kept it from Kel. At first I didn't want to rub it in her face; just another way for me to protect her; then I just didn't care to...she didn't ask, I didn't tell. I suppose she's angry with me now, but everything between us is crazy right now. I can hold it against her all I want, but the truth is I wasn't ready for a child, and neither was she. I our situation was so fucked that it would have been stupid to throw a kid in the middle. She still should have told me...

So as good as things are, -she- and I are breaking it off. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt, that I didn't love her already. I feel like I'm losing something I won't find again. My heart is heavy.

I don't know how this will turn out, but I know what I want. That's a weird feeling to have, for a change.

Apr. 22nd, 2009

fight club

(no subject)

An interesting week or two.

So I found out recently that I could have been a father. These things come at the weirdest moments. I'm angry she didnt tell me, but not telling me helped me realize so much for myself.

My life is changing. I've said this countless times before, but for some reason everything feels like I'm in high gear. So much has transformed for me in the past six months. I feel powerful beyond measure. I feel like I'm in control of my energy now more than ever. I'm feeling people more lately. I'm feeling more of myself. I'm tuning in to all those little things that are overlooked so often. And how they love to be seen.

I am awakening. My eyes are opening, and I feel like I have more and more to share, so much that I don't quite know how to get it all out right now. Perhaps I'm not supposed to.

Apr. 11th, 2009

fight club

(no subject)

The news I just received...at least from an outsider's point of view...might seem small and meaningless. I've seen people deal with such a situation with a cavalier attitude. However, I can't seem to stop crying.

Now why is that?

Apr. 6th, 2009

fight club

(no subject)

What a ridiculous situation.

I honestly can't help but laugh a little. I suppose it's serious, but who gives a shit. It's all a waste of time. I have plenty of ways to separate myself from others, I don't need any more. I'm all about the love this go around.

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